I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
did i just pee glitter
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
