I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
