I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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