my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
