Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Everclear isn't food dammit
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
