Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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