dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
