And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
