So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
