I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
