fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
