I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
