found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
