please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
