so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
