Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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