Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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