just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
