I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Randomize
