What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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