Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Randomize
