I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
