I never want to see another naked old woman again.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
