The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
