I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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