everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
