omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
