Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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