Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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