for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
