The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We left an ass print on the piano.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
