She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
