We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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