I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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