So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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