While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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