i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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