Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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