Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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