1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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