I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
40s are totally the cure
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You ruined the universe
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
