I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
