if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
