Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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