I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
