Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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