And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
