ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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