My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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