Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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